Fix You

i'm 'bouta hit you all with a condensed version of my whole life story. i've been inspired today. more than i have ever been. this may be confusing and all over the place, but i'd rather get the story across than worry about how cool it sounds. bear with me.

with the help of my anatomy and physiology teacher, Brother Baker, and some random guy named Ben...my life is truly about to change. more on them later.

many other people (my cousin, ex-boyfriends, family, my sister Heather, Sharla Kjar) have helped get me to the place i am right now. some taught me by helping me reach rock bottom. some helped me by literally trying to pull my sorry, lifeless ass (pardon my french) out of that hole i'd gotten into. my story all starts with a normal sized, 7 year old version of myself.

i'll be brief about this part of my life, partly because it isn't something i like to share and partly because i honestly do not remember most of my life from ages 7-13. beginning at 7 years old, i began to balloon. not because i felt like being fat, but....because at 7 years old the abuse started.


this abuse continued for 5 years and completely changed my image of myself, the world, men, and life in general. the part i'd like to focus on for this portion of my story is the view of myself.

i started gaining weight. like crazy. i remember wearing hoodies and refusing to do what other kids had no problem doing. i held myself back because i was "fat." i distinctly remember one random day in the 2nd grade when we had to be weighed. i refused. there was no way i was getting on that scale. also, the mile. the dreaded P.E. mile. all through elementary i'd fake sick so i didn't have to humiliate myself. i couldn't run. one blessed P.E. teacher let me stay with her on the mile days. she, to this day, has no idea how much she helped me.

i finally told about the abuse when i was 12. most would say it's a good thing it stopped. and it is, but it has never really "stopped" for me. my continued weight gain has been a reminder of that time in my life. it hasn't stopped. it still continues to plague me. every time he'd tell me i was ugly and fat still remains in this physical weight i carry.

then comes junior high. in junior high the teachers can't exactly hold your hand and wipe your nose like they did in elementary. ie. i had to run the mile. i would panic before each time. literally, panic. i'd hide in the locker room and cry. i couldn't do it. i would not allow anyone to see me run. i worked out a deal with my teacher that i'd "run at home" and bring a paper signed. during class i went to the office and hung out with Rose. (she, has also helped change my life in so many ways.) did i really run at home? nope. maybe once or twice.

i really dont remember much of junior high either, other than the fact that i was very much overweight, looked like someone took a black sharpie to my eyes, had braces, covered my face with my hair, struggled with severe depression, and did really stupid things.

high school had to get better....right? wrong. in some aspects it did, but over all, i struggled more than ever. (just a disclaimer, i'm really not a complete downer. i promise. this is just the ugly story i feel compelled to tell.)

anyway, high school. i still was overweight, not truly happy, and missing something in life that i couldn't quite put my finger on. i figured getting in a relationship would help. wrong again. i'd rather not go into those 3 years of my life. just know...i feel like i got each and every certification needed to know exactly what domestic abuse feels like. the low of lows. i went to a personal trainer off and on for 2 years during this, and never seemed to lose weight like i'd wanted to. i was still large and unhappy.

here i am, in college, finally free from any sort of abuse and excuse to not make myself healthy. but why haven't i? THAT QUESTION IS THE STORY OF MY FREAKIN LIFE! why?! why is it so hard for me to accept that i CAN get better? why am i afraid of getting better? why dont i just do it? why do i cry my eyes out every time i talk about my weight? why do i skip classes so often to avoid people seeing me? why do i struggle getting out of bed, knowing i have to get dressed in clothes i feel just point out each and every disgusting roll of fat i have? why do i avoid any and all mirrors? why have i pushed away anyone who's every truly tried to get close to me? why do i hide behind huge hoodies and jeans? why has this been a life long struggle? why dont i go to the gym, when i know it makes me happy when i do? why do i stuff my face full of crap when i know that i will regret it later? why do i continue to think i deserve nothing? why?!

because, until now, i refused to accept help. because, until now, i thought i deserved each and every time i was cheated on or hit. i thought it was my fault the abuse happened. i thought i didn't deserve any better. i felt that as long as i kept this weight, this emotional and literal, physical weight on that i could hide from the real issue...i did not know that i belonged to a Father that loved me and knew my true potential and wished i knew it too. this is all confusing, i'm sure. i wish i could put my feelings into perfect words, but hopefully you catch my drift.

that is all about to change, with a little inspiration from Brother Baker and some random guy named Ben. i am promising myself, because i'm worth it, that i will get rid of this physical weight that plagues me with more emotional weight than i'll ever be able to explain. i will CONQUER this. i swear. i will beat this awful daemon that keeps me from friends, family, and my Father in Heaven. i'm so done with being the victim. i know i was meant for greater things and it's time to prove i can live up to my Heavenly Father's expectations.

so, i'd like to make this blog somewhat of a progress report. i'll be sharing very personal information on here. please be kind. my starting weight, as of now, is 205 pounds. my goal weight is 145. 60 pounds here i come. it may not sound like much...but to me...it's everything.

for anyone with something to conquer, please watch this video Brother Baker showed in my anatomy and physiology class. it has changed my life. not only the video, but the song, Fix You by Coldplay. both the video and the movie really, truly have changed my life. they explain me perfectly.